Ross's Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes

These jokes are solely for entertainment. They're are not meant to be directed at making any stereotype, racial, or any prejudice jokes with a serious attitude.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The vulture doesn't get frequent flier miles!!!

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a lawyer?
A: The bucket!!!

Q: What's a shame?
A:A bus-full of lawyers going over a cliff!!!Q: What's a crying shame?
A: An empty seat!!!

Q: What do you call a lawyer up to his head ini sand?
A: Not aenough sand!!!

SOME JOKES (not riddles)

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I
think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered". "I prefer to operate on electricians," said the second surgeon, "all their organs are color-coded". The third one said: "I think librarians are the easiest. When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered". The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars inadvertently crossed over the center white line of the road. They collided with a fair amount of damage although neither was hurt. It was impossible to blame either one of them for the accident since they were both at fault. They get out. One was a doctor and the other a lawyer. The lawyer called the police on his car phone; they said they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men were shaken up. The lawyer offered the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepted, drank, and handed it back to the lawyer, who put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink?" the doctor asked. "After the police get here." said the lawyer.

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first. "Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper."

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened. Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

She: You just don't care anymore!
He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better?
She: Like what?
He: How about a trip to Europe?
She: No.
He: What about a new Jaguar?
She: No.
He: Well, what DO you want?
She: A divorce.
He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much.

"There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth."
--Jean Giradoux

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up. The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer-a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. Ihave raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows." The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows." The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"

A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student. "What's he talking about?" he whispered. "How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did."
--David Levin

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

A very very rich gentelman dies,m leavbing his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a Ceo, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before his is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the of the olf man and his eccentric ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says, "I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into hos coffin, I kept five million. The the CEO states "well, I have to admit that I to kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact." The Lawyer glares at the two and says, "I'm ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a chech for the FULL amount!"

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking though the brush when the one to the rear raches out with it's tongue, and lick the hind end of the tiger in front of him. The startled tiger turns around and syas "hey, Knock that off!" The rear tiger says"sorry"and they continue. After 5 min. the rear tiger once again does the same thing. The front tiger turns around and smacks the rear tiger and says, "I told you to stop that!" Five min. later the rear tiger licks the front ones ass again. "The front tiger turns around and asks "What is with you today?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer, and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!!!!!